Reading Between The Lines

I was in the airport and I knew I was going to miss my flight.

I thought all I had was my phone – my wallet and other important purse items had to have been in my other bag (I switched purses it seems). I already checked my suitcase and was going to Russia to study abroad with a group of students – I had purchased my ticket a year ago, everything cost me around $2000. I went all the way to the gate, they said I couldn’t get anywhere without my passport (not shocked). I slowly walked back down toward the tables and chairs in the airport where people were eating and drinking.

I called my mom. She’s never been a big fan of me traveling (especially internationally, the fear of bad things happening was real). But she’s who I always call when things aren’t going as planned.

I don’t even remember what she said. But I do remember rummaging through the duffle/carry-on bag I was toting around and I’ll be damned… there was my wallet with my passport inside, and I even found my keys floating around in there. It seems I transferred everything over that I needed after all.

I hustled back toward the gate only to find the plane had already left. I could try to come back tomorrow and get on the next flight… but I’d have to pay (again) and travel totally solo without my classmates.

I got in my car and somehow met water as I approached a building. My car was being swallowed up as a man invited me out of it and into the building. He was a salesman and he was gay.

He was trying to sell me a desk. And that wood was shiny and new. I wanted it. He then led me to try out a few different beds, and of course I wanted the nicest one with the softest blankets (I don’t fuck around).

Then I woke up.

I’m not sure what all this means – or if it means anything at all.

But what I can identify are the feelings I felt:

  • fear
  • being alone
  • loving lavish things
  • desire to travel
  • persisting
  • going against the grain

These were my feelings during this dream. And they definitely resonate with me.

I desire to be alone for a while. I just want to be single and really get to know myself. I’m addicted to love – it’s intoxicating and blurs my vision. I idealize my partners and it’s unrealistic. If I decide to have a partner in the future, it will have to feel different than this – something perhaps I have never felt before. I just want to be single for a while. And I’m owning that today. And I feel damn good in my skin so I’ll enjoy that fully.

I desire to travel. Alone. And with friends. I want to see new places and have new experiences. It’s silly to think we can really grow, evolve, expand our consciousness without purposefully stepping out of our routine. Like one of my favorite musicians puts it, “Routine is our enemy.” I want to eat real Thai food. See the beaches of Bali. Do yoga in Greece and connect back to my roots. Eat pasta and drink wine in Italy. Kiss my lover under the moonlight in Paris. Feel the buzz of New York City. Smoke a joint on top of a mountain in Colorado. Go to LA and be a Cali beach girl for the weekend. And it’s not about running away. It’s about self-discovery. Courage. Braving the unknown.

I desire to have nice things. I own that today. A shiny-ass desk. A comfy-ass bed. Makes sense. Two things I highly value – my work and my sleep. I like to have nice things, and it took me some years to admit that, but I do today. Because I love myself. I love myself so much that I believe I deserve to have everything I want. I’m tired of living small, in the box that everyone else lives in. I’ve never liked rules, I like to make my own.

So that’s what I’m doing this year. And I hope you do, too. Because just like me, you deserve to have everything you want. You just have to believe it, and the world is your oyster.